Trigger Warning: the following blog contains material which could be experienced as triggering difficult and painful thoughts and feelings. Please read with caution and consult with a professional clinician as needed.

You’ve heard of the nine symptoms and know that, to get the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, you need to have at least five. You certainly do not need to have all of them (as some believe), but often you do have more than five, or maybe, most of the time you have four except for when you go into a time of suicidal thinking or self-injury at which time you have five. There are literally 256 different combinations of these 9 symptoms so rarely do two people have the same combination. This blog describes how I experience my personal combination of 6, sometimes 7, symptoms.

I experience “efforts to avoid abandonment” when I am terrified that my loved one doesn’t love me. This can be triggered by such a small thing as my partner telling me a certain time he will be home and, either doesn’t come home within 20 minutes of that time or doesn’t call or text me that it will be different. I feel utterly unloved and start spiraling down into my dark (& irrational) pit of terror, hurt, grief of losing the love of this person.

For me, “unstable relationships” is experienced when I engage in “black and white thinking”. This plays out as “my partner loves me” (he’s “all good,” it’s a great relationship!), or “my partner hates me.” (he’s “all bad” and we have a terrible relationship!). Rational thinking would be, “sometimes my partner does things that result in me feeling happy, and sometimes he does things that hurt my feelings. And I know that he does love me despite difficult moments.” It doesn’t have to be just suddenly breaking off one partner after another in an endless series of relationships, or having multiple partners.

I experience having an “unstable self-image” when I look to others to define me. I am very busy trying to imagine what the other person might want, and trying to find any and every way I can to be that person even if it is self-destructive, to please them and get their approval. I fail to even see that I am in a toxic environment or relationship. I allow myself to “try not to matter” and “try to take it,” whatever “it” is that’s being handed out.

A healthy person has beliefs about themselves that are like rods of steel in their inner core, like “I’m a hard worker,” “I’m compassionate, smart, reliable,” etc. that they believe about themselves, even in difficult circumstances. I rarely have any positive character traits that I believe are true about me regardless of the situation. If someone compliments me, these have nowhere to “stick” and slide right off. If someone, especially my partner, says that I was indifferent to their needs or that I wasn’t thinking things through, I’m telling myself, “I can’t believe how uncaring I am,” and especially, “how can I be so stupid!” The underlying message to myself is, “I’m such a bad person! Maybe I don’t even deserve to live.”

I experience “unstable moods” when I can be happy and laughing one minute and the next minute I’m going into my downward spiral from thoughts like: “Wow, I can’t believe that person said that!” to, “They must not love me” to “I wish I were dead,” or worse, in a matter of moments.

I experience “feeling empty” when I don’t have someone filling in my “qualities” for me. If I’m alone, I tend to feel lonely and sad, rather than just having some peace and time to recharge. When I’m in a conflict and I go to another room to try to calm down, I don’t have any inner self that helps me know what to do. I don’t have access to the logical part of my brain–just irrational extreme emotions swirling around in there. I’m often engaging in self-pity and telling myself that I’m just going to have to accept that I am all alone in this world.

And, man, is my anger intense! Whether inwardly speaking loathing, hateful messages to myself or outwardly screaming at the top of my lungs, my anger is way out of proportion to whatever the facts would be. It feels like a locomotive is running over my insides so that something has to pour out in words or actions. I mostly “fight,” rather than “flight.” I wish it were the latter, but, so help me, I say something I will regret and, if the person walks away, I just HAVE to pursue them to convince them how “right” I am! I think I’m mostly trying to convince myself that I have a right to feel anger in “those circumstances.” As for perceiving “those circumstances,” I’m usually making judgments (“You insulted/mistreated me!” “You did that just to hurt me”) or making up facts without checking whether they are true (“You knew you were going to be late and did nothing” when maybe he was in a location where there was no cell reception). The sentences that begin with “you,” are a big red flag, and are more often about myself (I was hurt, sad, mad or afraid).

I haven’t experienced what I consider to be “dissociation,” but there are many times I am not in touch with reality because I believe things that aren’t true, or don’t believe things that are true.

[See Part Two and Part Three with some things I do to try to manage my symptoms]

About the Author: Cathleen is a person who has spent over 50 years on her BPD journey. She is an avid volunteer with NEABPD because it is what gives her a sense of giving back to a community where she feels valued while making a contribution where many are suffering.