Warning: The following contains mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation that may be upsetting to some readers.

Sufferers of borderline personality disorder (BPD) have the highest suicide rate of any demographic. Unfortunately, 1 in 10 people with this condition die by suicide and 7 in 10 make an attempt. I am in the 30% that have never attempted suicide, but that doesn’t mean that I’m immune from the chronic suicidal ideation that characterizes BPD.

The physical manifestation of BPD is a hyperreactive amygdala, which is the part of the brain responsible for modulating fear and stress. As a result, we experience life as more scary and stressful than our neurotypical counterparts. The excess adrenaline and cortisol coursing through our veins can make life feel nightmarish, and I believe that this is what many people with BPD are desperate to escape when they attempt suicide.

Suicidal thoughts and feelings are not a death sentence. Living with suicidality is a feat, to be sure, but an achievable one. 

I feel strongly about this because I lost my sister to suicide when we were teenagers, and her suicide note made it clear she had resigned to losing that fight. She left a note explaining:

“…you have to trust that this was right, that God knew and let me do this. I believe it’s biology – another way to say that is I believe it’s inevitable. I could have waited, but I am tired of waiting and I don’t want to feel the passage of time anymore. I could do nothing else.”

At thirteen, I wasn’t sure whether to believe her or not. On one hand, the idea that it was inevitable was a bit of a relief. It meant there was nothing that anyone could have done to change the outcome. No one to blame. Not myself, not my parents, not even her. 

Some mental health providers have adopted a similar paradigm: establishing that some suicides are inevitable to “diminish the sense of failure and inadequacy felt” by clinicians who experience the suicide of a patient.

Around eighteen, though, I realized that this idea was at odds with my own philosophy. After my sister’s suicide, I vowed to never inflict that kind of grief and trauma on my family. Despite having chronic suicidal ideation as a symptom of my BPD, I choose to observe my thoughts and feelings with the knowledge that they, unlike suicide, are not permanent.

My favorite DBT skill to use at a time like this is SUN WAVE, which is based on the biological reality that no emotion lasts longer than ninety seconds. We only get in long-lasting moods because we reignite the feelings with our thoughts or actions.

For example, I used to feel very sorry for myself around nightfall. Something about the stilling of the world made me acutely aware of the grief churning inside me. Other people seemed to operate with an ease that made me jealous. I felt different and lonely.

Naturally, I would spend entire evenings wallowing. There was something familiar and comforting about locking my door and crying myself to sleep. But as the night wore on, my feelings of self-pity would grow to fill the room and I would feel even worse. Why? Probably because crying in bed evokes pity.

I encourage you to practice SUN WAVE by (1) acknowledging your feeling and (2) avoiding taking actions or thinking thoughts that inflame that feeling for five minutes. In other words, if you’re feeling bad, make sure you’re neither suppressing nor reinforcing the feeling. Let nature take its 90-second course.

By its nature, chronic suicidal ideation is reoccurring. Even once it passes, there’s an ominous sensation that it will be back. For me, this was the worst part and egged on feelings of hopelessness and exhaustion with life. I wish that I knew sooner that, with consistent use over time, the SUN WAVE technique reduces the frequency and intensity of these episodes.

At twenty-six, I believe wholeheartedly that my sister was wrong. I wish more than anything that I had the knowledge and confidence to get her help before she ended her life. If you struggle with suicidality, please invest your time and resources in finding ways to keep moving forward. You can learn more about SUN WAVE here.

About the Author: Saadia is a young professional with lived experience of borderline personality disorder. She volunteers with the Lived Experience Committee because she wants to share the gift of recovery with others. You can find her on LinkedIn.