Q: “Do I Matter Enough to Myself to End a Long-term Partnership & Make a New Beginning?”

We know, especially around the holidays, that human beings are made for relationships–to connect with others. Many of us long for that special person who sees, hears, loves, and supports us where we are, forgives our mistakes, shares in our joys, challenges, and sorrows, and reciprocates by sharing theirs with us. Many call this person a soulmate.

At the beginning, we try to hide our foibles, then, as the relationship deepens, we might start to talk about them, and then, try to find a way to deal with them so that they won’t hurt our partner. This process repeats many times whenever there is hurt, anger, silence, arguments, and tears. Each time, it is healthy to look at own part by looking at our behavior, communication styles, upbringing, personality, and many other factors. It is not easy for anyone to navigate all of this to build a caring, trusting, and enduring partnership. Even couples where there are no mental health conditions experience intense emotions related to these very human experiences.

When one adds a BPD diagnosis to the mix, these universal emotions can quickly escalate to a level that is incomprehensible to a person without the condition. I try to explain the level of intensity I feel by asking my listener to imagine seeing a person getting hit by a bus right in front of them. If you can imagine how everything inside of you clenches up or freezes or comes out as a scream, then you may come close to understanding the intensity I experience.  

It may also help you to understand by considering that individuals with BPD have five or more of the following nine symptoms and every single one of them would hugely impact relationships with intimate partners:

1. Intense, rapidly-shifting moods; imagine crying and yelling bursting out of nowhere, without a moment’s notice or even an obvious or rational cause.
2. Intense/disproportionate/repressed anger;  imagine the poison of self-hatred being pushed down under the surface where it festers until it is spewed out on those we love, and at a level completely disproportionate to the facts.
3. Unstable self-image/low self-esteem; imagine one partner looking to the other to create their own self-image and having no concept of themselves except what they hear from others.
4. Chronic feelings of loneliness or emptiness; imagine truly believing that their beloved does not love them anymore, if they ever did, and there is no hope of ever finding someone who will.
5. Fear of abandonment (real or imagined); imagine “taking” even abusive behaviors and still begging to do anything and everything for that person to see if, perhaps, they might send a little scrap of approval your way, which may or may not ever happen.
6. Pattern of unstable relationships; imagine being over-the-moon in love with your partner one day and believing they are the embodiment of pure evil the next.
7. Two or more self-destructive behaviors (substance abuse, excessive spending or sex, eating disorders, gambling, risky driving, etc.); imagine using substances, over-buying/gambling, restricting food, and even driving recklessly to try to not feel the incredible level of inner pain felt every day,
8. Suicidal thoughts or recurring behaviors, threats, gestures or self-injury; imagine believing there will never be anything other than excruciating inner pain and the only way to stop it is to no longer be alive.
9. Disassociation or paranoia (believing what isn’t true); imagine one partner doesn’t come home at a specified time and the other partner believes they are being abandoned for the rest of their life.

I have not had to imagine any of these because I have been living in cycles of each of them for over 50 years, 39 of which were in a marriage. I had decades of working so hard trying to change my obviously hurtful behaviors, trying to take responsibility for my part and apologizing and trying to repair for each and every one of my missteps. I realized it was all to no avail and I sunk into what I call my “dark pit” for three or four months.  

Then I found in me the small voice of a very young child, long ago forgotten, who loved herself and loved living. That little girl existed before the hitting, kicking, slapping, pushing into walls and furniture, beaten with objects, drug by her hair across the room, but, even worse, being told at least once a day, if not several times a day, how stupid she was, how ridiculous her thoughts were, how she and her feelings didn’t matter, and how extremely inadequate and unloveable she was. That inner little child was like the tiniest edge of a flower petal barely peeking out from under the rock that was crushing her. 

It became clear to me that I had to nurture that little, buried flower that wants to see the sky. I finally mattered to me. I could not safely stay in a space where I subconsciously gave away so many pieces of myself that there was nothing left. It was killing my inner spirit. I knew I had to take myself out of a 40-year partnership I valued, from a partner I loved, to take care of my mental health in a way that kept me here on this earth. I had to uproot myself in order to plant myself where there was space to grow.

Yes, I can and do list behaviors of mine that my partner experienced as hurtful, and I can list behaviors of my partner that I experienced as hurtful, as any couple can. Being in a relationship is a decision to embrace some hurt and some pain. Everyone has challenges and things they’d like to be better at doing. Yes, I sought every treatment, medication, individual and couples counseling available before I left. Yes, my leaving hurt my partner terribly, irrevocably, AND I know that listening to that small voice from long ago was, and remains as, the most sane thing I have ever done.

Written by Cathleen Payne who participates in the Lived Experience Committee of NEABPD because she hopes to encourage others who suffer from the effects of BPD or its symptoms.