For years, I avoided going home. The walls of my childhood house held too many echoes of misunderstanding and moments where I felt dismissed, unseen, or simply as “too much.” Maybe you can relate. 

My response was to avoid, distract, escape. I didn’t go home for 5 years…

I didn’t just avoid family gatherings; I avoided myself. Alcohol, friendships, work—anything to keep me moving, so I didn’t have to sit with the ache of longing for something I wasn’t sure I’d ever have.

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can make relationships—especially family ones—feel like navigating a minefield blindfolded. The intensity of love, the craving to be understood, and the sting of rejection or misinterpretation can turn even the safest spaces into tightrope walks. 

And yet, here I am—years later—visiting my family, on my own terms, BPD and all.

Learning to navigate my family relationships has been like learning a new language. It’s rooted in tenderness, patience, and grace. I’ve had to sit with the discomfort of my feelings without lashing out, and let their misunderstandings exist without retreating into anger or despair. I’ve learned to build boundaries—not walls—and to lean into connection, even when it feels fragile.

One technique that’s helped me is paired muscle relaxation, a practice from DBT where you tighten your entire body as tight as you can hold it, feeling the tension build, and then slowly releasing it. This method keeps me grounded in my body and requires such focus and energy that it not only helps me self-soothe and regulate but also quiets an overactive mind.

Another tool I rely on is the DEAR MAN skill, which empowers me to communicate boundaries clearly and kindly. For example, during the holidays, if a family member repeatedly brings up a sensitive topic, I might say:

“I’ve noticed that when we talk about [topic], it feels overwhelming for me, and I’d really appreciate it if we could shift the conversation to something else. I value our time together, and I want to make sure we’re both able to enjoy it. Maybe we could talk about the exciting plans everyone has for the new year instead?”

The “N” in DEAR MAN, which stands for Negotiate, could come into play if they feel strongly about discussing it. For instance, I might offer, “I understand this topic is important to you. Perhaps we could set aside another time to talk about it when I can be more prepared and focused, but for now, I’d really like to switch the topic to new years plans.

These tools, paired with the wisdom of my own lived experience, have allowed me to manage emotions, navigate challenging interactions, and live beyond the diagnosis—to be fully human in all my messiness and magic.

Not everyone has the desire—or the need—to reconcile with family. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is walk away. If you’re grieving a connection that never existed, know this: that longing is proof of your immense capacity to love. And that love can find a home in chosen family, friends, and most importantly, yourself.

To anyone navigating the tenderness and intensity of family relationships: whether you’re longing for, mending, or at peace with them, give yourself the grace to feel it all. Find joy in the smallest moments of connection and strength in the boundaries you set. 

About the Author: Des Caminos is an Embodiment & Somatic Practitioner with two degrees, who received a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder in 2014. She shares her time with the Lived Experience Committee because she believes in the power and healing of a life beyond a diagnosis. Des is here to help break down stigma and share experiences and resources because she believes we are truly all in this together. You can find her on all social media platforms under @Des_Caminos.