Warning: The following contains mentions of unwanted physical contact that may be triggering to some audiences.

Boundaries are the key to maintaining relationships. Though they are characterized by the way they limit intimacy, boundaries can actually bring people closer together by helping individuals feel safe and comfortable in relationships with others.

Boundaries should be an explicit consideration for a person with BPD because the condition is characterized by interpersonal instability.

There are several types of boundaries to consider. Physical boundaries—otherwise known as personal space—may be most familiar. Physical boundaries mean you get to decide the maximum level of physical contact you prefer on a case-by-case basis.

For example, I had a male friend that wanted to hug as a greeting. I wasn’t comfortable with this, and told him so, but he reacted as if my request was silly and tried to hug me anyways the next few times we got together.

I saw this as a red flag and I was right—down the line, he violated my physical boundaries further by kissing me when we were drunk, even though I had repeatedly told him that I wasn’t interested in him like that. We’re not friends anymore, but I wish I had stood my ground earlier when he kept trying to hug me; likely, then, the “friendship” would’ve fallen apart sooner and I wouldn’t have experienced the further violation.

Sexual boundaries are a type of physical boundaries. You get to decide the maximum level of sexual contact in any given interaction. This means that even if you’ve engaged in a certain sexual act with a person before, you don’t have to do it again unless you feel like it. It also means that even if you’ve done a certain sexual act with one person, you don’t have to do it with another person. Don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise. And if you’re finding yourself persuaded, question whether your relationship with that person depends on your sexual willingness—that’s not love.

Emotional boundaries can be trickier to define and enforce because they’re not as tangible. I like to think of emotional boundaries as “protecting my peace.” Emotional boundaries are a set maximum on the emotional energy you give and receive in relationships.

For example, I have a friend who has been going through a tough time for, oh, I don’t know…years. She has a cynical attitude and often calls and texts me to relay the gory details of her latest misfortune. When I spend time with her, I often find my emotional battery drained and my pessimism rising like a tide.

The magic of boundaries is that I have all the authority I need to terminate or limit the scope of that relationship. Social niceties may indicate that I should suffer through the relationship as is, but boundaries actually have the positive social effect of strengthening effective relationships and identifying unsalvageable ones.

Using boundaries, I can craft a friendship with this person—who also has some lovely qualities—that is rewarding and sustainable. Without boundaries, I may end up resenting this person (and distrusting myself for not doing what is right for me).

Of course, there is always the possibility that another person will not be willing to modify the terms of a relationship with respect to proffered boundaries. In that case, keep the boundary—not the person.

About the Author: Saadia is a graduate student with lived experience of borderline personality disorder. She donates her time to the Lived Experience Committee because she wants to share the gift of recovery with others. You can find her on LinkedIn.