We wandered in the wilderness…lost and alone. Our daughter is now in her early 30’s and has suffered, we believe, since her early teens. She’s been misdiagnosed and mistreated by well-meaning but ill-equipped therapists and bad psychiatrists solely focused on prescribing medications. As we think back, it breaks my heart to see how much pain she went through: obsessions; fear of abandonment; outbursts of anger and fury that appeared suddenly; expressions of self-doubt; volatile and unhealthy relationships; detachment during family and individual conversations; and most difficult of all were the suicide attempts.

For our part, my wife and I constantly encouraged her and tried to be positive. You can do it! Don’t worry, you’ll get that job! I can help prepare you for the interview. Sure, go back to school. You were always a great student. You can do anything you put your mind to. You have plenty of friends. Everyone knows you’re a good person.

To our friends and relatives, our daughter was constantly being judged. She was lazy or antisocial or too quiet. She wasn’t like everyone else. She wasn’t accepted. She could do better if she just tried harder. In truth, we, as her parents, judged her to. We had expectations. We tried our best to be good parents and provide the best environment for her. It worked for our other two kids! Look at them! They are successful professionals.

Well, nothing worked. We felt alone. There was no one we could talk to. We had no support. No one understood what we were going through. Our daughter made her 2nd suicide attempt in the summer of 2018. She was hospitalized where she finally began receiving appropriate help from knowledgeable professionals. After her discharge from the psych ward, she continued participating in a couple of outpatient programs.

In a better place and feeling encouraged, she had a sense of what to look for in seeking professional help. She collected a list of reputable and well-regarded psychiatrists. The new psychiatrist she selected finally gave her an accurate diagnosis – you have BPD. She also recommended that she try dialectical behavioral therapy. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of certified DBT therapists. Again, she did her research and landed on the right one for her and began receiving DBT therapy in Oct 2018. During her initial sessions, we were contacted by the practice where she was receiving help. They were hosting a meeting for family members with a loved one receiving DBT therapy. We jumped at the chance to participate. It turned out that we attended the Family Connections class.

We’ve gotten so much out of NEABPD Family Connections. FC gave us information, knowledge and the latest research so that we can better understand what our daughter was going through. She didn’t have a choice about this. She wasn’t manipulating us. She wasn’t intentionally being difficult. We realized, now, how much pain she was suffering. We stopped blaming her. We stopped judging her.

It was such a relief to know that there were others in the same boat. We didn’t have to suffer alone. We shared what was going on with each other’s BPD person. We talked about our experiences, worries, successes, failures and learnings. We were there for each other. The people we met in class became some of our closest friends…to this day.

FC taught us so many skills to help provide a more supportive environment for our daughter. We learned skills to help us reduce our own suffering too. I like to think the skills we’ve learned apply to all the relationships I have – personally and professionally. Attending FC was such a beneficial experience that I accepted the invitation to become a FC leader. I was motivated to give back and help others. I also believe in the adage that if you want to learn something…teach it. As a FC leader, I want to be at the top of my game because I want to give my best to class participants. I’ve now co-led 3 classes. I probably get more out of teaching these classes than the attendees.

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We’ve come a long way since “wandering in the wilderness” with our daughter (see our previous post). The following is an update on our journey. We share examples of how we now handle real-life scenarios using the skills we learned in Family Connections to provide a supportive environment for our daughter.  

Validation

My daughter said, “I had an asshole customer throw garbage on the floor at my feet today! They could’ve walked to the trash can, but they didn’t!” I said, “That’s horrible! What an asshole! What a fuckin’ jerk! That must’ve been so hard for you!” I did my best to validate her. The “corporate” side of me would’ve invalidated her. “Your reaction is not what’s in your employee handbook! You have to keep your cool in dealing with angry customers. Let’s practice how you can do better.” I’ve come a long way in supporting our daughter.  

Acceptance

“I have to leave my job! I can’t take it anymore!” Before Family Connections, we would’ve reacted in disbelief, “Oh no! If you leave, you’ll lose your health coverage, and getting benefits for a part-timer won’t be easy.” Before Family Connections, we would have pressured her to stay. We’d worry if something happened to her without health insurance. Now, we can accept that having a shitty job that angers her, drains her, and constantly dysregulates and triggers her is not worth it. Her mental well-being is much more important. We fully supported her.

Transactional Model

“I’m triggered and need to stay in my room.” Hearing these words from our daughter helps us do better for her. They are part of our borderline personality disorder code or language. We know we can give her space and be there when she needs us. What she does affects us, and what we do affects her. In the past, we did and said things to invalidate our daughter and only added fuel to the fire. We’d get mad at her for being holed up in her room with the door closed. “Why don’t you come down and hang out? The whole family is here. Don’t be anti-social!” Now, we appreciate the heads-up communication. We don’t have to guess or be caught by surprise. Instead, she’s able to express herself accurately. Of course, as parents, it’s natural for us to worry about what triggered her. We can be patient, and if she tells us, great. If not, that’s fine too.

Awareness

Years ago, we only intuitively knew when something bad was about to happen. We learned the hard way that it was probably too late when we got a knot in our stomachs, or the hair on the back of our necks stood up. We could only brace ourselves for the storm to come. Now, we’re much more aware of looking for signs of her well-being or distress:  Is she cooking for herself and exercising? Is she getting adequate sleep? Is she spending time with us? Have we seen her at all today? 

Through Family Connections, we’ve learned to become “emotion detectives” and look for clues, observing where she’s at emotionally. Sometimes, we use a scale from one to ten. One means she’s alert, focused, and communicating accurately; a ten means she’s highly dysregulated and explosive. We also use this scale to gauge where we are emotionally as well. Family Connections also taught us how to be aware of the emotions we experience caring for someone with borderline personality disorder. We can now translate an understanding of our emotions to identify what our daughter is experiencing to validate and better support her.

Collaborative Problem Management – DEARMAN

I’ll save this story for a future post. 😊

Family Connections came into my life during a time when I felt alone and hopeless about my relationship with my mother and my brother who both navigate life with emotion dysregulation. I struggled for so long to understand their behaviors and futilely tried to make sense of their emotions; walking a deeply lonely path. At the time, I believed no one in the world understood this unique heartache and I suffered tremendously.

When I had the opportunity to join a Family Connections class in 2011, I felt doubtful but curious, and willing to try anything that could help. Over the course of that first class, I learned from an incredible group of people that others not only understood, but had walked the same path I had.

Together we learned vital education about emotion dysregulation, essential family dynamics, critical relationship skills, self-validation and compassion, and a new understanding for the unique struggles our loved ones faced. I came away belonging to a new community of “VIP” family members like me.

Family Connections transformed nearly every aspect of my relationships with my loved ones, but it also changed how I thought about myself and my family’s struggles.

I have become empowered to hold boundaries, more empathic towards the suffering of others, a better communicator of my experiences, a better listener to those I love, and I prioritize the practice of self-validation and checking in with myself each day. I have allowed myself to grieve, healed my hopelessness with radical acceptance, and freed myself to have genuine connections with my mother and brother; to see them as doing the best they can in each moment, and to appreciate who they are as people for whom emotion dysregulation is only just one part.

A decade since that first class, there are tough moments and hard days; I have definitely “made it worse” in some of those moments! But, I no longer feel alone or despair. I have remained connected to a wonderful community of leaders, alumni, and incredible adult children and siblings.

The Family Connections program taught me how to make meaningful changes that have truly shifted the course of my relationships towards love, growth and understanding. Today, the relationships I have with my loved ones are the strongest they have ever been, and I am no longer alone on my path but surrounded by many paths traveled by family members learning and growing with me.

I thought it was normal for people to fly off the handle when upset; it was how I grew up. My parent and two of my three siblings did this regularly. So, I grew up believing to get your way, you blew up. I picked up this behavior as I grew older but felt terrible every time it happened. When I became a mom, I did not want my children to grow up in the same environment, and I found healthier ways to communicate when upset. I did this with everyone but my spouse. 

I did not know how to communicate effectively with my spouse when we argued. When he became overwhelmed by emotion, he shut down. The more he shut down, the louder I became. We wrestled with this cycle for years until I turned to the internet and came across an article about “quiet” borderline personality disorder. I also read a book about living with someone with BPD. It was as though what I had read told my life story. 

 I approached my spouse and showed him the article. After reading it, he wanted to get tested, and his results did show BPD. He started seeing a therapist and went through DBT, but things were still rocky. So, I did another Google search and found NEABPD and Family Connections.

I read the information on the NEABPD website and signed up for the next available Family Connections course. I absorbed everything my leaders taught; I did not miss a class! I thought, “wow, this is going to help me get my spouse to do what I want him to do.” I finally realized the course was not so I could get my spouse to do what I wanted. It was for me to learn how to have a better relationship and communication with him. I could stop the cycle with the new skills I learned. I could minimize my emotional dysregulation and stay calm. 

Two and a half years after taking the course, I decided to become a Family Connections leader. Family Connections is an amazing program backed by research. When you use the skills, they can improve your relationship. I am a better mother, nana, and spouse because of the skills I have gained. I may only sometimes use my skills well, but I try every day to use them consistently. Family Connections was an answered prayer after years of struggling to understand and communicate with my loved ones with borderline personality disorder/emotion dysregulation.

I think of my family environment as the time before Family Connections™ and the time since my parents attended the 12-week Family Connections™ course. Before, they didn’t see how much pain I was in, and it was very invalidating. My parents weren’t a safe space for me. They would try to problem-solve for me, and yet, I didn’t feel as though they listened to me. At times, just leaving the four walls of my room was painful. 

I remember the first time a therapist told me I was doing so well and that I was doing everything I could to prevent my situation from getting worse. I can’t describe the relief I felt from her validation. I finally felt seen! Before that, I didn’t think anyone could see how hard I was trying. My experiences were so intense. The smallest thing would trigger me, and I would spiral for days. I would have a hard time getting out of bed, and I didn’t even want to go outside because I didn’t know how I would react to things. So, I escaped into myself.

Relief came from the hard work I did in therapy and from my parents attending Family Connections™. They were able to learn skills that I was learning in therapy, so we had a common language. Through Family Connections™, they learned to love me the way I needed to be loved, and our whole relationship has changed for the better. I’m now in such a loving environment and feel as though I can tell my parents anything and be heard. 

I truly think knowing how to love someone is a skill. I want to tell people that being in a Family Connections™ course shows that you are trying to love your person with emotion dysregulation the best way you can, and that is something to be celebrated. It’s not always going to be easy, but it is worth it!