I Have Darker Days

September 8, 2024

Warning: The following contains mentions of suicidal thoughts that may be triggering to some audiences.

 

I originally titled this post the first thing that popped into my head, “I’ve Had Darker Days.” It was something catchy I’ve heard before, a placeholder while I was working on this piece. But as I started writing, a much more fitting iteration of those four words came about. I Have Darker Days. Because, this is how I experience life. Present tense. This is not a mere moment in time, nor a memory of something I had only previously felt. This feeling, these thoughts—they aren’t lodged in the past, relics of a fleeting crisis that once made me question whether life was worth living, that made some grand appearance and then, in time and healing, quietly fell away. No. They take up permanent residency in my brain, and don’t have plans to leave town. 

This is simply how it is.

In all honesty, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t wish I were dead. At least, not a sustained period. Ranging from “I wonder what it would be like if I just didn’t wake up in the morning” to “Here’s the plan, this is how we end it.” It’s always just…sort of…there. The decades I’ve spent wrapped up in the mental health system have done very little to quell this. 

As a teenager, I slept all the time. As much as I could. As long as I wasn’t awake, I was ok. It was the closest thing to being dead or disappearing, which was somehow comforting. And when I was awake, distraction was the name of the game. It still is. As such, if that means watching nine straight hours of House M.D. just to make it through the day, so be it. Maladaptive or not, escapism is a powerful tool.

Suicidal ideation is a part of my lived experience that I by no means enjoy, but do not wish to demonize either. I don’t hate myself, feel broken or damaged, welcome pity, or want to be someone else simply for existing this way. However, it is a tall task to maintain such a perspective of oneself in a world that pushes us to think otherwise, dehumanizing people and vilifying minds that operate differently and threaten a social standard that came about long before any of us. But, I digress. 

To be clear, I’m not saying I like being suicidal, or even that I don’t mind it. I do. It’s exhausting to feel this way. I’m just saying it’s not wrong that I do–or that I am not wrong–and I won’t punish myself for it. 

I’m sure you have questions about where to go from here. I don’t have answers for you. This is not that piece. All I can offer you right now is solidarity. I see you, and we are in this together.

 

**If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts—

THRIVE Lifeline: Text “THRIVE” to +1.313.662.8209 from anywhere in the world to access 24/7 text-based crisis support for mental health and/or identity, by and for multiply marginalized individuals. Please visit their page @thrivelifeline on Instagram for a pinned list of other non-carceral mental health supports.

1 Comment

  1. Graham

    Thank you for this. My wife and I continue to struggle in understanding our daughter’s state of mind. She is a real battler but we feel so desperately anxious about her state of mental health .
    Any sharing of other people’s experiences helps my wife and I to understand a little more..Tiny steps forward! Thank you.

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