All close relationships have some degree of conflict. This is why some parenting experts say that the most important skill a parent can hone is relationship repair.
As a person with BPD, I’m inspired to spiral into rage or dejection when an interaction with a loved one gets contentious.
I used to have a couple go-to moves after a disagreement. One was isolating myself and moping. There was something satisfying about the heaviness that kept me in bed for hours in the middle of the day. Giving up entirely had a sedative-like effect: stilling my body to still my mind and numb the pain of the conflict.
The other was rage: internalized or externalized. Externalized rage would usually involve giving the other a contemptuous look and the silent treatment. In my head, I was cutting off the person for good. This usually didn’t last but it relieved the pain of the conflict: if the relationship didn’t matter, the conflict didn’t either.
Internalized rage could involve self-harm, food restriction, or substance use. This would distract me from the pain of conflict long enough for its sharpness to subside.
I share this personal background in hopes of helping other people in a similar condition understand themselves better, as well as helping loved ones of people with BPD grasp the process underlying these apparently extreme behaviors in response to conflict.
The pain of interpersonal conflict is so extreme in people with BPD that we resort to equally extreme measures to “cope” with it. If I could have loved ones understand one thing about BPD, it would be how much it hurts. BPD causes the most psychological suffering of any mental health condition.
The normal range of emotional sensitivity is not applicable to someone with BPD; it is analogous to the normal range of resistance to infection for someone with an autoimmune disorder.
What I want my fellow individuals with BPD to know is that people without BPD don’t know how much it hurts—it’s not that they don’t care. While it’s not your fault that you have this heightened emotional experience, it is your responsibility to communicate to others what you are dealing with and find people who respect your experience.
Managing the initial emotional response to interpersonal conflict is the key, in my experience, to successfully repairing and moving through issues that arise in any relationship.
My strategy is to identify the emotion that I am feeling and voice it as simply and authentically as possible: naming the feeling—often sad, mad, or scared—goes a long way towards getting you and your loved one(s) on the same page.
Sometimes, I find it hard to answer follow-up questions. I just keep naming the feeling. Annoying? Possibly. Better than the alternatives? Certainly. People who love you will prefer this straightforwardness, even if it is a slog.
About the Author: Saadia is a graduate student with lived experience of borderline personality disorder. She donates her time to the Lived Experience Committee because she wants to share the gift of recovery with others. You can find her on LinkedIn.
As someone who has a loved one BPD it is so difficult to know how to respond to the rage. I keep reminding myself that as difficult as it is for me. It is so much more painful for my loved one.