A BPD diagnosis requires the presence of any five of nine symptoms. Let’s explore the variables:
Efforts to Avoid Abandonment. Rejection or abandonment, whether it is real or subjectively perceived, can be intensely painful for a person with BPD (pwBPD). The person might go to extreme lengths to avoid it: this could take the form of clinginess (like frantic people-pleasing) or proactive withdrawal (“You can’t fire me–I quit!”).
Unstable and Intense Relationships. The usual pattern is for the pwBPD’s feelings to oscillate between extremes of “idealization” and “devaluation.” Here is how I sometimes experience those extremes:
- Idealization: I love you. I adore you. You are amazing. You are my everything.
- Devaluation: I hate you. I can’t stand you. You disgust me. I’m better off without you.
Unstable Self-image. Even without BPD, figuring out “who you are” can be a herculean task. A pwBPD may feel like they don’t know what they want, what they value, or what would make them happy. This person may find identity in others, like a romantic partner, best friend, or role model. I, personally, could be found listening to Dead Kennedys and dressing like a punk when I was dating one. As soon as we broke up, I stopped listening to that kind of music and wearing those kinds of clothes.
Self-injury. Recurrent self-mutilation or suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats.
Impulsivity. In two (or more) areas that are potentially self-damaging, such as shopping, gambling, sex, substance use, reckless driving, or binge-eating.
Unstable Mood. This symptom is the reason that BPD is often confused with bipolar disorder. The difference? BPD “mood swings” last minutes or hours (sometimes days) while bipolar “mood swings” last days or weeks (sometimes months).
Feeling Empty. IYKYK.
Intense Anger. The symptom underlies the oft-portrayed stereotype of pwBPD: throwing tantrums, desks, etc. I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t smashed a mug or two, but more often than not, my anger is directed internally: heart-pounding, stomach-twisting, and exhaustion-inducing. Anger in pwBPD is not different from that in the general population in the sense that it usually arises to mask a different, more difficult emotion like sadness or fear.
Paranoia or Dissociation. This is usually transient, stress-related, and severe when it arises.
There can be 256 different combinations of BPD symptoms. Though there are common threads, BPD is a unique experience for every individual.
About the Author: Saadia is a graduate student with lived experience of borderline personality disorder. She donates her time to the Lived Experience Committee because she wants to share the gift of recovery with others. You can find her on LinkedIn.
I have been living with BPD for a very long time and was diagnosed many many years ago with also schizoaffective bipolar type. My husband isn’t narcissist and supposedly we’re not supposed to work. We have a daughter of 31 years old with grandchildren now and also a 28 year old son and a 25-year-old daughter that also has two kids we are grandparents to five. In every single way I am one of the more extreme and he is the most mellow. The person that commented says that all of us take on a different personality or the way we think when we’re around other people that is not all of us. Even from the time that I found out that I had it. I am 49 years old and that is why I’m considered to explain because mine still goes on. I do not try to take on anybody’s identity listen to their music well of course maybe like their style of course do I become them with no way. Do I like the way I look of course not I punch more mirrors than we can’t even explain. We have one in our home and I spent hours in front of it most of the time just to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigarettes. So no we all don’t try to take on someone else’s identity we just spend hours trying to find out who we are in the mirror and when we don’t like it it gets punched
Re>Cathleen Payne’s comment>addendum:
I forgot to add that I’ll go from those periods of ‘uncontrollable unwilling starvation’ to binge eating.
Re: Cathleen Payne’s comment
I totally agree with what you’re saying about internalizing you emotional shifts. I’ve always done the same thing in regards to getting down on yourself. I often yell at myself (I’m prone to calling myself a “stupid f**kr” or I’ll say “man, you’re such dumb f**k” or something else equally self depreciating…
I can understand the “weight thing” as I’m also prone to having periods of eating nothing & drinking nothing but water for days to weeks. To give an idea, I went from hovering around 250-260 lbs in April of ’23 to currently under 220 and I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO LOSE THE WEIGHT INTENTIONALLY…
When you talk about “flipping the tape” I wholeheartedly concur with it being easier said than done. I describe how it feels to people like this: It’s like if I took your (meaning who I’m speaking with) brain/mind/thought process (or what have you) and then multiplied it by 20-100 times depending on that exact moment in time but it’s forever changing, churning, fluctuating and altering itself in such a way that it can be as mild as fairly easily controlled through to no way in hell am I going to be stopped… It can be (and often is) utterly terrifying to see yourself doing things that could hurt yourself or someone you care about and have absolutely NO WAY of stopping it. I know that personally, there are times when the only control I seem to have is how hard my punches hit the wall (as in I’m somehow still able to pull the punch). I honestly believe that when a ‘shift’ occurs, it is much much more horrifying and terrible for the one who’s head the war is going on in…
All you can do is to try hard and do your best to hang in there. I can’t honestly say it gets better as that’s not my experience in all of this. I can say that we all have someone who cares whether they exist or not. Just never forget that no matter how alone, ignored, diminished, minimized or defeated you feel… Hold your loved ones deep inside your heart and know you’re loved.
It may sound kind of silly, but even just having an emotional support animal can be a huge help. I couldn’t tell you how many times my dogs saved my life. I’m not embellishing in this regard. I would literally not be here if not for a handful of close people and my fur babies.
Keep trying, keep moving forward, never give up!!! You’re worth it and deserve to be happy just as much as anyone else in the world!!! Take care!!!
This one of the best, simplest, clear and easy to understand thing regarding this that I’ve read. I have 99% of the symptoms, actions (and regrets associated with). I’ve had these issues for as long as I can remember. I’m under treatment but am having an INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT time with my current psych doctor. Unfortunately they don’t appear to care very much about my health. We’ve been having virtual visits since covid started and my other family members have heard how they are with me. IDK, maybe it’s just the disorders causing me to think like this? What confuses me is when trusted “inner circle” people reinforce the thoughts I’m having… I’m going to halt the life story here. Just wanted to thank you for writing this. Maybe when others close to me see this things will start to get better. I hope so.
THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH!!!
The comment about mood swings are more short term in Borderline Personality Disorder vs. Bipolar Disorder really struck home. Everything can seem to be fine when all of a sudden our loved one is in a horrible mood. It usually subsides after a couple of hours. Something happens to trigger it; something that to us is insignificant but to him signifies a feeling of rejection based on a comment or action.
This is a great description of the symptoms—especially that, when you have to have “5 of the 9” to get the BPD diagnosis, there are actually 256 combinations possible of what borderline “looks like”! I find this is not understood even by people who have heard of BPD and certainly not what is portrayed in the media!
Also, I have found that, for me, when my anger is directed internally, it exacerbates my unstable moods and unstable self-image. I often consciously put myself down: “How could I be so stupid,” “I wish I weren’t this fat/ugly,” “What a dumb thing to say/do,” etc. I also think that under this, I even unconsciously hate myself due to the messages I grew up with that I still “choose” to give myself 50 years later(!) and am fighting against believing.
Of course I’ve heard “change the tapes that are playing in your head,” but it’s very difficult when they are “baked” into your brain pathways/subconscious. I’m grateful that science is now telling us that we can create new pathways!