It is difficult to learn new skills and very difficult to actually put them into practice when you have chronic and severe emotion dysregulation. It takes a courageous and “I’ll never give up” attitude. When I realized the chaos and pain could actually lessen for me and my loved ones, I was willing to make a commitment to climbing uphill for a while. My experience was that the efforts more than pay for themselves with reduced pain for myself and my loved ones and a healthier and more fulfilling life.
There were a couple of dozen skills I learned about, but only a few that worked for me. At my worst times, when everything I do is driven my super-intense emotions, I found I could not “tell” myself to “just do ‘x’,” like, “just tell yourself you’d rather not hurt your loved one,” or even “just go take a walk.” Those and many other skills take way too much reasoning than I have access to when I am in the midst of my “emotional storms.” [Note: I prefer the term “emotional storm” over forms of the word “trigger,” due to its connection to firearms.] The earlier I am aware something is beginning to happen (and this I will practice for the rest of my life!), and depending on the circumstances, certain skills are more effective for me at certain times.
I’m a person who is comfortable with writing, so when I start thinking my unhealthy go-to thoughts, I run into my room, (slam) shut the door and write in my journal until I have had a chance to get “it” out of my system. When I feel the pain lessen a little, I can then choose to do something on my predetermined list of self-soothing activities.
When I am early in the process of feeling abandoned by my loved one, before I get completely taken over by a storm, (“Uh-oh, he’s not coming home”) and I still have access to some reasoning, I can take three deep breaths and look for fact patterns. If I have experienced a lot of hurt over my partner doing similar things, I try to describe “the observables:” the words used, the physical actions done or not done, (i.e. he didn’t call), the circumstances when they occur and I use what is called “radical acceptance.” I acknowledge that this pattern often happens, that I am going to feel unbearably sad, mad and afraid about the thought of being disregarded, as if I don’t matter, even though I know he loves me, and that’s the way it is. If I can get to this thought, then I can decide to choose something off of my predetermined list of things I find to be self-soothing. If I cannot get to this thought, then I will need to try a different skill.
As to my black and white thinking/unstable relationship, usually I am judging (saying, “He always does this”). When I’m not too dysregulated, I can recognize that I am extremely attached to my judgments in these moments. I have coached myself ahead of time to take 3 breaths and tell myself “My beliefs are not facts.” “My feelings are not everything in the entire universe. There are other people; there are other views that they hold as deeply as I hold mine.” I find that if I do my mindfulness practices every day, it’s easier to get to these rational thoughts at the time of the storm, which lessens the power these judgments have over me. If I’m stuck in my judgments, it’s a clue that I am not accepting some reality (maybe, “My partner doesn’t ALWAYS do this; there ARE times when he doesn’t.”) And, I need to. use a different skill.
When I feel worthless, and that I just have to ”take” whatever is being handed out, this is especially, for me, a time when I don’t have access to reasoning. I have to shift my eyes and use my 5 senses: 1) describe what I see (I like to describe patterns in fabrics–I look at the way the gray and ivory threads are interwoven, the way the edges of a pillow connect, the colors used in a picture, etc.) and 2) I touch something under my fingers and describe what it feels like under the tip of my finger (smooth, rough, ridges, corners, bumpy, etc.) 3) I describe what I hear (lawn mower, children playing, printer printing, rain, etc.) 4) describe what I smell (if there is a scent and, if so, does it smell sweet, acrid, salty, disgusting, pure, etc.) and 5) I ask myself if any taste comes to my taste buds. I usually have a hard time with taste, but some say that if you have tiny blood vessels rupture under stress, you have a bit of a taste of rust.
As to my mood changing suddenly, it’s really hard for me to notice this right away. If you have a partner or friend or family member who can help you “guess” what your feelings are by your expressions, last words spoken, your tone of voice, etc., that is such a valuable help. Just naming the feeling can be enough to lessen the intensity so that I can then remember to, or be gently reminded by a loved one to, check-in with myself on the “5 basic” feelings..Am I mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed? I usually land on “anger” first, but then I have to figure out if the anger is sadness, fear or shame and why. I search around my body sensations to see what they are telling me, and maybe “try on the feeling” by asking myself questions like, “does my anger feel like I’m sad at the loss of what I wanted? Or, “Am I angry because I’m afraid that someone or something is going to hurt me?” Then I tell myself, “it makes sense that I am feeling this way when I believe that “x” is happening (I believe someone doesn’t care about me or is dismissing me or putting me down, or when something reminds me of past hurts, and many more). I let myself feel that “major-5” feeling I’ve identified, over and over till it lessens.
I have to allow myself to grieve the loss of what I want at that moment. Sometimes I can’t see or process the grief or understand where it is coming from. It helps me to journal until I can get to the bottom of the thoughts and the feelings. Sometimes it’s pages and pages until I get to the point where I know I felt so horrible because I couldn’t imagine being able to stay alive without that person’s love. Or I feel such horrible shame because these circumstances remind me of all the times I’ve “done X,” after all the times I’ve told myself I’m never going to do “that” again. I ask myself if I can accept that I do this, and that I react in such a way, given my level of pain. Once I can do that, whether in writing or in self-talk, the intensity of my mood usually lessens, or, if not, maybe it lessens after I choose to do one of my pre-selected means of self-soothing.
During the times that I am struggling with suicidal thinking and self-injury, I write down what is going on in my head right then before I call my therapist, and I try to remind myself that “this has happened before and I got to the other side of it before, so I will this time too. I just need help to get there.” I connect with my therapist with whom I’ve developed a safety plan. This requires both creating a safety plan with my therapist before I need it, and making a complete commitment to using it whenever necessary.
My sense of emptiness was all-consuming for the first 56 years of my life. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted or what my character traits were. During my 57th year of life, my therapist at the time was able to help me find and believe that I might have some qualities that I liked about myself. We slowly began looking at specific memories of times when I felt good. I was able to say, ”When I was working on that team, people said they appreciated my contributions, and I was even able to feel some self-satisfaction for them.” Or, “I liked feeling that I was being compassionate in those circumstances,” or “That really was a smart thing to do.” etc. He then helped me to look into my past to see if there were other times in my life when I exhibited those characteristics. He encouraged me to daily dwell on, and or “catch myself doing” one or two of these different qualities of which I was proud or glad I had. He kept me accountable to this practice for many weeks.
I have always believed that everyone but me was worthy of respect and love. It took me a long time to think I might also be someone who is “ok.” My therapist led me through the above practice until I believed that I was just as worthy as anyone else in the world. I thought, “Why did it take me 57 years to believe I had some self-worth?” I wish I had practiced “catching myself” much earlier in my life!
When I feel my intense anger, this is the hardest symptom for me to deal with. I might be able to use the 5-senses skill I described in Part Two of this series because using my eyes seems to be something I can do. I might also be able to run to my room (slam the door) and start journaling (admittedly, sometimes screaming, sobbing and/or writing in huge letters across the pages), “It hurts, it hurts, it hurts,” until it lessens and I can say, “I’m so sad at the thought that “X said Y,” or “I’m so mad that “A did B.” I tell myself why I have that emotion (“because it makes me feel that they don’t care about me and I’m so afraid that they don’t love me anymore… And I can’t live without their love!”). When I get to the bottom line, I take another couple of breaths, and tell myself again why it makes sense, such as, “it does make sense to feel crushing devastation when I believe that the most important person in my life doesn’t love me because it feels like that person is being ripped out of my heart, and man, does that hurt!”
These are the ways I try to manage living with my “7 of the 9” symptoms and I have found that the work is worth the self-respect, self-worth, identity and peace that I have found. My hope is that you can discover what works for you!
About the Author:Cathleen is a person who has spent over 50 years on her BPD journey. She is an avid volunteer with NEABPD because it is what gives her a sense of giving back to a community where she feels valued while making a contribution where many are suffering.
Thank you for these insights. I find them very helpful, and I’m sure others will too. Your writing is so clear and descriptive!