Romantic relationships are already hard. Add BPD to the mix, and it can feel impossible to cultivate a healthy, intimate relationship. 

As a person with BPD, I have struggled with a certain famous symptom: intense and unstable relationships.

This is extremely painful, as people with and without BPD can appreciate. The break- and make-up cycle can be addictive and torturous. 

Understanding this cycle has been critical to breaking out of it. Learning from my own maladaptive behaviors was hard because I was distracted by the shame and guilt. It was easier not to reflect upon it at all—but those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

I learned to forgive myself (regardless of whether the other person forgave me). This enabled me to reflect clearly on what happened and why, and in the process, learn something about my fears and values…

I learned that I was incredibly sensitive to being rejected. A micro expression of displeasure or moment of hesitation could instigate a thought spiral: they don’t like me…they’re going to leave me…I have to leave them before they leave me!

My go-to move was to end the relationship before they could. In my late teens and early twenties, I dated over a dozen guys and left them all at the first sign of potential rejection. It was small consolation not to endure the perceived rejection of being ditched—at the end of the day, I still didn’t have the bond that I sought.

A breakthrough moment for me was realizing that relationships are about vulnerability—that’s how you get all the best parts: the intimacy of being deeply known and the gentle landing of someone being there for you when you need them. How can a person be there for you if they don’t know when you need them? 

A romantic relationship is a real risk. The bigger the upside, the bigger the downside. To have a romance that embraces all parts of me, I have to expose those parts and accept the risk of the other person turning away. The manic pixie dream girl act will only support a superficial connection.

It is a nerve-racking experience to be my truest self with the full knowledge that my partner could decide that he doesn’t like it and exercise his right to walk away. But speaking my truth and letting my partner see my flaws has opened the door to more fulfilling and durable love than I have ever experienced or even imagined.

About the Author: Saadia is a graduate student with lived experience of borderline personality disorder. She donates her time to the Lived Experience Committee because she wants to share the gift of recovery with others. You can find her on LinkedIn.