On February 2nd, 2023, my aunt celebrated her 60th birthday. In the week leading up to her special day, I planned to make her a cherry pie. I found crust and filling recipes, made a shopping list, and braced myself for a trip to the grocery store on the morning of her birthday. I say “braced myself” because, before making progress in treatment, I found being in any public place almost unbearable. But on that February morning, I survived my shopping trip and rushed to the safety of home with my loot. The rest of the morning was spent baking, and as my hands became dusty with flour and stained red with cherry juice, I felt a kiss of warmth and joy. It felt good to be taken outside of myself, even for just a couple hours to bake a cherry pie. The final touch was a heart cut out in the center of the crust, and although the baking process left it a little dented, I still felt a lingering sense of joy driving it over to wish my aunt a happy birthday.

Joy is a powerful emotion, especially during depressive episodes. It can feel like gasping a breath of fresh air when you’re in a constant state of drowning. Creating moments of joy can be difficult, even when you’re in a healthy mental state. Add the burden of mental illness, and it feels impossible. During my darkest times, I found peace in physical activity—pushing my body through a hard workout. For a long time, all I got for all my sweat and effort was a tiny shot of peace that made my brain feel a little less inflamed. By keeping at it, though, that feeling of peace slowly morphed into joy. Having a taste of joy made me crave more, so I began to search for it through other avenues. I opened up and branched out, widening my world and finding joy in new places. Now joy comes to me in many different forms, and I have learned to appreciate them all uniquely. Joy is born when I’m laughing with close friends. It blossoms when I hold my little cousin’s hand and watch them explore the world around them. Joy comes with sunshine that warms my face, the smell of rain, and watching the sun rise. There is always a seat reserved for joy at family dinners, and it never misses out on days I wear a cute pair of shoes. However joy comes to you, it is always worth celebrating. Remember that joy is the child of relief and peace. No one expects you to be jovial with blind happiness while in the throes of mental illness. It takes many small steps, and some steps backwards in the process, to overcome depression. Moments of relief and peace can act as your guides through this journey and—eventually—lead you to joy.

Today is November 24th, 2024. Thanksgiving is just four short days off, and preparations are well underway. It will be a small gathering featuring my lovely parents, myself, and my cherry pie-loving aunt and uncle. My heart feels a little heavy, weighed down by grief for holidays past. Some were busier and flashier, mimicking that classic Hallmark hustle and bustle. Others were louder, full of family, friends, and even a few faces I did not recognize. Some were happier, filled with love and marked with an extra chair next to mine at the table. But I have learned there is beauty in simplicity, and my heart swells with joy as I think of what this Thanksgiving will have in store. In the morning, I’m participating in a local turkey trot run with one of my nearest and dearest friends. This will be our second year, signifying the start of a new tradition. Post-run, I’ll help my mom prepare dinner. There will be soups and salad, sweet potatoes and salmon, risotto and dinner rolls. I plan to make a cherry pie. Our spread may look a little different than yours—heck, our spread looks a little different than it once did—but it will be a happy feast for the family sharing in it. I know I can count on a fire in the woodstove, stories, laughter, love, and, of course, cherry pie.

I dedicate this piece to AA and UT. For sharing words of wisdom, escapes to Liberty Hall, and introducing me to Montreal…Said with love and cherry pie – V 

About the Author: Veronica is training to be an esthetician and will begin nursing school in the spring. She has lived experience of borderline personality disorder. She volunteers with the Lived Experience Committee in order to share a message of hope and to fight against the many stigmas that still surround mental illnesses. You can follow her platform and passion project on Instagram @beautifulpowerfuldeserving.