As a person with BPD, I have often struggled with boundaries, codependence, and over-reliance on others for my comfort and happiness. 

In my experience, codependence goes hand-in-hand with learned helplessness: a state that occurs when a person believes they are unable to control or change the situation—so they don’t try even when there are obvious solutions.

For many years, my go-to solution to resolve a problem was to call or text a boyfriend and bring up the problem. If the guy identified and executed a solution, I would feel so important and loved. If he didn’t see it as his problem, I would often feel unloved and rejected, and continue to suffer.

One Boston winter, the heat broke in my apartment. I took no steps to remedy the situation on my own. I complained for days before my boyfriend bought a space heater and set it up for me.

For years, I relied on that man for rides, meals, and entertainment—not because I wasn’t financially or physically capable of procuring these things on my own, but because I loved the feeling of being cared for. If he was busy, I would stay put, hungry, and bored.

A breakthrough moment for me was feeling how rewarding it was to take care of myself. It was a distinct sensation: I didn’t get the emotional high of feeling like someone’s priority—but I also didn’t get the emotional (and often physical) low of waiting for someone else to meet my needs.

Many people with BPD experienced some form of real or perceived neglect—(some didn’t)—and it can be tempting to wait around for a superhero to rescue you, repair those childhood wounds, and nurture you forever after.

I have news for you: you’re the superhero. You can give yourself the care that you want and need, and it will eventually become second nature.

Breaking out of the cycle of learned helplessness is scary. There will be mistakes and mishaps at first because you’re learning—washing laundry without detergent; undercooking chicken; using products that are totally wrong for your hair type…

Don’t be discouraged! The pay-off is enormous. Feeling safe in my own arms is a feeling that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.

About the Author: Saadia is a graduate student with lived experience of borderline personality disorder. She donates her time to the Lived Experience Committee because she wants to share the gift of recovery with others. You can find her on LinkedIn.